Stop That Right Now!


In a hostel, you might have to take a lot of bullshit, put up with a lot things that you normally wouldn’t. I mean, how else do you survive in a community, right? Wrong! Do. Not. Bend. Backwards. If you don’t like something, make it clear. Play Hitler. Play the Shrew. Drive the point home again and again until those blockheads get that you do not like this, and stop doing it. They’ll bitch and mutter, but they’re going to do that anyway. So, you might as well give them a reason.

There are a few things that absolutely tick me off. No, really. I have no patience with people who do these things.

  1. Banging doors: I had all the girls in my hostel trained not to bang doors when I was within earshot. Seriously, are you really in such a hurry that you can’t pause as you leave the room and close the door gently? Girl, it only takes an extra two seconds! And I live in the same campus as you do, and I’m in the same grade, and I have nearly the same workload, and the same exams, so you are not in an impressive hurry, you just don’t care!
    I hate the sound. I just simply hate it. You can imagine the shock, and subsequent anger, that one feels when you’re studying, absorbed in a good book, sleeping, or just simply enjoying a quiet moment .by yourself (which comes pretty rarely in a hostel, let me tell you), and someone lets the door shut with a resounding BANG! It just ruins everything, shatters the peace and composure of the moment. When I’m closest to what the Japanese call wa, a state of transcendent harmony born of deep tranquility, and some idiot slams the door in her haste or temper or whatever, what immediately flashes across my mind is, “This is it, I’m going to need a damn good manslaughter lawyer!”
    And you slammed the door because you’re angry, did you? Bitch please. Being angry doesn’t authorise you to become a public nuisance. And angry? Do that again and I’ll show you angry.
  2. Reading over my shoulder: When I’m writing, or reading a book, do not, I repeat, do NOT stand behind me and smilingly read along. I will eviscerate you. Painfully. Reading while I’m writing my own stories or poems is like breaking and entering: I did not let you in. My writing is personal, deeply so, and attempting to read it without my permission is a violation of my privacy. I’d probably take it a degree less seriously than if you tried to take a video of me giving birth. Yeah.
    Scene: I’m curled up with a lovely novel- Tolkien or Rowling or Adichie. I’m lost in it, feeling it, breathing it. You walk up behind me, curious as to what’s soooo arresting about the book. You crane your neck to read the words better. I notice, turn, and break your nose. Cut.
    I detest it when you’re reading and someone tries to read along over your shoulder. I’ll react as though you tried to hit on my boyfriend while I was right beside him. Don’t look at me like that. It’s the same principle: this one is mine, you like it, go get your own. I don’t share.

This list could go on and on- taking my stuff without asking me first (I’m not going to say no, it’s just common courtesy), insulting my friends (the whole ‘this one is mine’ philosophy thing again), dismissing others’ opinions out of hand (who died and made you God?), putting words in my mouth (if you can’t read my mind then let me finish, damn you!). What about you? What ticks you off? And what doesn’t? Yeah, there’s the whole ‘twenty reasons to frown but twenty thousand reasons to smile’ philosophy that I subscribe to. I may come across as a shrew in this post, but I’m really not. I promise.

One last thing- my big, red, do-not-push button: Don’t do XYZ. Because you’re a girl.

Help At The Price of Chocolate


The University of Delhi is a disorganised mess. Sri Venkateswara College, University of Delhi, turns that attribute into a skill, and lately, under the controversial Four Year Undergraduate Programme, into a fine art.

Under the FYUP, every first year undergraduate student receives a free laptop from the university. Contrary to all expectations, we did actually get the laptops. And they were good ones too… mostly.

We knew we’d have to give them back at the end of the year. What we didn’t know was just how goddamn hard it would be!

From nine to five (literally) during our study holidays, we waited around in college, wondering just what was going on, no one really knowing what the exact process was after the mob (heads-up for non-Delhiites: there is no such thing as a line here) was dispersed from outside the confirmed venue of the returning process. Then there was the announcement of a token system, which had been happening since the morning (read: since after lunch, which ended at two), and getting tokens which numbered between 90 and 110. Oh, and to illustrate our frustration: at 3.30, the last token called in had been numbered… three.

So… rather than stick around uselessly till six, two of my friends and myself left our laptops with our friends who lived on campus, in the college hostel. It was a Friday; we had to be present to collect our examination admit cards the coming Monday anyway, so if we came early, we might be able to return them quickly. So saying, we left.

On Sunday morning, I received a call. It was from the friend with whom I’d left my laptop.

“Hey, what’s up?”

‘Hey, I need to know your laptop password.’

“Uh, sure. Why?”

“They’re checking the laptops at the return place, so I need your password to open it.”

“You’re returning my laptop?!”

“Yeah, why not?”

Late in the evening, I received a text from him. ‘Returned your laptop. Now you owe me like 5 Ferrero Rochers. ;)’

Yeah, all he wanted was chocolate.