If I were completely free of fear, my life would be one hell of a roller-coaster, and the ‘puking-guts-out’ stage at the end would be pretty damn spectacular.
The first thing I can think of that I would do (feel free to draw character-related conclusions here) would be to mouth off. A lot. Like, remove all my brain-to-mouth filters and just GO. Tell all my relatives (and my family is pretty huge) exactly what’s running through my brain; opinions, reactions and consequences be damned. And probably get reviled, ostracised and possibly disinherited in the process; but oooooh, that feeling!!! The one you get after a really good massage, only this time, in the mind. Sounds pretty awesome.
No fear. I can imagine telling certain people exactly what I think of them. What would I not give to really not care about ‘social status’ (I swear that someone quoted them to me once with the kind of emphasis on the words that I would out on “Harry Potter, dude!!”)? It would mean being me, the real me, not held back by rules or codes or irritating self-consciousness. It could be pure, simple freedom.
But I doubt it would be, though. Because no fear means that no restraints. It means no rules. It means full-on, hardcore, unmitigated recklessness. The kind that makes you run across the road when there’s a 100% chance of dying, just to see if you can cheat fate. And the laws of Newton. And the traffic police. No telling which one’s worse.
No fear would mean cycling super-close to a cliff-edge. It would mean saying “fuck this, what do I care” for the completely unnecessary things that I don’t even want to do. No fear would put me on a high, and then on an ego trip, and then on my deathbed.
I happen to like living, thank you very much.
So for the sake of living, I’ll take the fear. I’ll live with the irritating self-consciousness and the rules and regulations, the norms and codes and laws and the everyone else is doing it, if I can live. I’ll live with the slight shame of conformity, if I can live. I’ll live with the conformity, and try to break out from it every second, managing by degrees, never quite getting there, but trying all the same.
Because you can only do it by being alive.