Roll your shoulders back, lift your chin, tighten your core.
Raise your eyes, and don’t blink.
Smile, and let tears sting the very corners of your lids.
Never, ever let them fall.
But perhaps what was needed then was to be. Be sad. Be shocked. Feel the sting of the slap in the face, feel the burn of the humiliation.
Feel the beginnings of affection turn into jagged things; they prick and prick, waiting for time and life to smooth them away.
Be sad; cry. Cry at the half-formed spectres sitting on your pillow, the remnants of what might have been, what you thought was. Cry at the thought of how rosy the world once seemed, and how you can now see little spots of grey and rusty browns in the corners and undersides of pretty, softly glowing things. The world seems a little less bright, sometimes, and your heart isn’t even broken.
So little to say when there’s so much to feel. They’re things you can’t bring yourself to feel, and things you can’t admit to feeling. There are feelings which you fear to name, for it might turn your world on its axis, pull you apart and expose your insides to light and air and truth.
Would you do it? Let yourself and all you know be irretrievably changed, all for the sake of a name of a feeling? Should you? Could you?
I have no answers, and neither do you.
Oh stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.
‘As I Walked Out One Evening’.